The loss for words in the face of naked pain.

How can anyone ever understand how it feels to lose a child? Not in their wildest dreams can they identify with you. Before I lost my son Emile, I had no idea what parents went through when they lost a child. I try to put myself in their place and this is what I think it feels for them to look at us.

We are their worst fear personified. They feel helpless in the face of your pain. To look at such naked grief touches parts of their hearts they don’t want to know. It must be like looking at someone dying and them begging to help. Have you died before? Do you know the feelings and thoughts that person is struggling with? No, we don’t, and that is exactly why we can’t be angry at people for saying the wrong things to us. They have no clue of your unbearable pain and it will be unfair to expect them to know it. Just like you don’t know how to help someone dying, so can’t you demand understanding from someone who hasn't lost a child.

I am testament to what they dread in life. To have death come for a child untimely is the worst thing to imagine. They have no words to comfort you so they say the first things that come up in their minds. It is not because they are callous or hard and cold to your grief. They just don’t Know what you are suffering. You are their nightmares come to life right in front of their eyes.

If you haven’t walked in another’s shoes you have not felt their pain. Just like I have no idea what it must feel like to be in an armed robbery with a gun to my head, they also don’t know.  We want them to say the right things, but do you even know what the right thing to say is? I can’t tell you what I wanted people to say, because there is nothing to say.

Forgive them if they say things that hurt you, forgive them if they don’t have the answers for you. They are only human and trying to be of comfort, just like you would have done had you not been in this situation. Forgive their lack of knowledge, and pray they never learn it. When they turn away from you, it is not because they don’t care, it is because they fear the unbearable pain in your eyes.

Blessed Be and Namaste!!

Be still, and know, He is God

Be still, and Know, I am God… this is the most profound text for me in the Bible. How hard it is to be still and know He is God, when your heart is broken and you feel hopeless and alone. The agonizing pain after the death of my son Emile almost drove me insane. I felt like running down the street screaming, ripping off my clothes and tearing out my hair. Every time that text would come back to me, be still, and know, I am God. If we can heed that advice and just be still and feel Him with us and holding us, we will be more able to overcome tragedies in our lives. Questions and what ifs and should have’s would run through my thoughts and my heart would feel ripped open by unseen claws. The guilt I felt for not seeing that there was something wrong with Emile made me want to hide away or bury myself under rocks. If only I spoke to him and asked him what was plaguing his mind, but I never did. I had to become still and know, He is God. With crazy thoughts running through your mind and feelings of self-blame, guilt and regret assaulting your senses it is the hardest thing to do. I prayed for months and begged God to take the unbearable pain away from me. Not until I heeded that text did my mind come to a rest. The pain didn’t leave me instantaneously but I was able to breathe for times in the knowledge it too will end. When you are in the midst of heartache all you can see is that pain and all that went wrong in your life, you don’t feel like being still. We ask continuously, what we did wrong to deserve this. Why does this have to happen to me? Instead try to still your mind and know He is God. Everything happens for a reason and it will be revealed to us in time, if we choose to see it for what it is. It doesn’t help us in our situation to blame ourselves or others for our problems and heartache. It doesn’t help to play those images over and over in your mind’s eye. It robs you of the peace you are so deserving of. When you feel the pain of your situation overcome you, be still, and know, He is God. Give it all over to Him and let it go, it is not yours to hold close and cuddle. It will just hurt you more so when you feed it all the time. Give all your pain to Him and know, he will take it away if you let Him. He will soothe your aching soul and fill you with acceptance and clarity of mind. Instead of all the negative hurtful feelings and thoughts meditate on the love, peace and light that are awaiting you. Blessed Be and Namaste.

Lets talk about suicide

I thought we could talk about suicide today and hear what others have to say about it and how it has affected their lives. There are so many misconceptions about it and a stigma attached to it. The word for suicide in my mother tongue, Afrikaans, translated straight to English reads “self-murder”. What an awful word to use to describe one’s passing. Here in South Africa suicide is against the law and if you attempt it you can be arrested for attempted murder. People still think you go straight to hell if you die from suicide. My son Emile died by suicide and I had in laws and an acquaintance told me that his soul will never rest. Can you imagine the horror of that thought?
It is frowned upon all over the world and communities still point the finger at the immediate family members as the cause of it. “You must have been a bad parent or done something for that to happen to you,” it is said. What most don’t know is that when you have decided in your mind to take your own life, nothing anyone can say or do will change your mind. Most don’t even talk about it and just go ahead and do it. It has nothing to do with parents or loved ones, it is getting rid of the pain that is the ultimate goal. Unfortunately it is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
There are many signs when a person is planning this last and fateful step but it is only recognized after the fact. Emile started giving his things away, and he was very quiet the last two weeks of his life. I thought he was contemplating life and what he should do in his future. When a decision like this is made in their minds they feel a quiet calm descend because they have the solution to their problems and pain. Some may even
appear happy and content with life. We ask ourselves all kinds of futile questions after the suicide of someone we love, but we will never have the answers to our questions, until we meet them again on the other side.
 Until we are in that same situation we can never imagine what they were thinking or going through. I know if Emile knew how much unbearable pain and agony I would suffer for years, he would never have done what he did. Every thought of life and the people they love disappear from their minds. All they can think about its getting away from this turmoil and incredible unbearable emotional distress. They want to kill the pain assaulting their whole being, not themselves. When someone has cancer you will feel compassion and sympathy for them, so why can’t people feel the same about suicide. It is an illness of the mind and it kills most in the end. Nobody who is in their right mind will do this to themselves and others. I think they lose their selves somewhere along the way and can’t function in a normal way any more.
Blessed Be and Namaste,