Most of my life I was absolutely terrified of death. The
mere thought of it would send me into an intense anxiety attack. I grew up as a
Christian and all I knew was that if I kept on sinning I would go to hell. Churches
and priests drum that idea into your head from an early age. It became a
constant struggle to me, to live a life without sin. Whoever in this world can
attain that is beyond me.
I gave up trying to be a perfect human being and thus the
fear of death ensued in full force. Because of this kind of thinking I would
have nightmares of the devil coming to collect me. I had dreams of Jesus’
second coming and me having to stay behind to live for all eternity in hell on
earth.
My first close encounter with death came when my father
died and because he was an atheist I was horrified by the idea that he would be
in purgatory and I would never see him again. I almost went completely insane
and because of anti psychotic drugs I was prescribed instead of addressing the
real issue it almost destroyed my life.
When my son died by suicide I completely lost control. His soul was never going to rest and he would be cast in darkness for eternity. That
was the kind of thing people told me and it drove me absolutely insane. My
beautiful son couldn't handle the pressure of life and became involved with
drugs that I believe ultimately led to his death. Because I wasn't a good
mother to him he took his own life and it was up to me to save his soul.
For months on end I didn't sleep but searched the
internet frantically for anything that could help me with this. I became a crazed skeleton, not eating just
trying to fight for my son’s soul. The thought of talking to anyone about this didn't even enter my mind. I wasn't going to end up in a mental asylum again. Thoughts
of suicide ruled my life and I tried to join my son countless times. There were
no rational thoughts in my mind, I had to die in order to help him or just make
sure he wasn't going to be all alone in darkness.
I read extensively about near death experiences and finally
found a website all about Buddhism. That saved my life and brought me back to my
senses. I started meditating and realised that we are part of god and we all
become one with our creator after death. There is no hell or purgatory and
everything that happens to us in this life are lessons we need to learn to
deepen our spirit.
Death is nothing to fear, all that happens is we go back
to our soul’s origin and we are reunited with everyone who preceded us. I have
no fear of death any longer and I don’t actively seek it either. When it is my
time I will return to the All that is in All, our Creator, the Divine Force that
is everything. I have absolute faith in my destiny.
Blessed Be and Namaste!
Very good blog post Rea. You are so right, death should not be feared. No matter what you believe or do not believe, we will continue being - just in a different form. The christian beliefs were made to control us - and you showed perfect examples of how it works and how it might destroy people. Thanks for sharing your inner most thoughts with us. :)
ReplyDeleteI am glad you enjoyed it and yes christianity indoctrinates us to believe we are all evil.
DeleteI've had a few run ins with death, and in the end, it taught me to value life.
ReplyDeleteThat is exactly what it taught me and I love every minute of this gift.
DeleteSo glad you found this path, Rea.
ReplyDeleteMuch love Lily, I know you do my friend.
DeleteSmall share from my own personal dresser drawer of my mind shortly after my Daughter transitioned....
ReplyDeleteA friend of my Daughters had decided to end his life a few months after her passing. He took many chemicals and compounds. They found him but it was too late as his body was being ravaged with no way to stop it. He was in the hospital for a few days before his transition and I was in contact with his Mother who never left the waiting room if not beside him. It was right at midnight, I sat at the dinning room table writing in my journal when the lights suddenly went dim in the room. I then heard my Daughters unmistakable voice near the ceiling in the corner. It was so clear that it was unmistakable as to where it was emitting from. She said, "Don't worry Momma, I've got Shane". The lights then went to full strength again and just as quickly they were gone, the room was without their unmistakable presence. I called the hospital waiting room to speak with his Mother who informed me that he had just passed on. I told her, "don't worry, he is with Heather now". Just wanted to share. Do not fear Death... it is only a transition. Hugs
I had so many messages from Emile and I know he will be there to greet me one day, not now. I know in my heart that was Heather and Shane is with her. Hugs
DeleteI believe you have come very far in life, and what I feel from you in our brief acquaintance, is your very loving and giving, conscious nature. I am luck to get to know you, Really. Rea.
ReplyDeleteI am lucky getting to know you Katya. Thank you for the kind words.
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