Most of my life I was absolutely terrified of death. The mere thought of it would send me into an intense anxiety attack. I grew up as a Christian and all I knew was that if I kept on sinning I would go to hell. Churches and priests drum that idea into your head from an early age. It became a constant struggle to me, to live a life without sin. Whoever in this world can attain that is beyond me.
I gave up trying to be a perfect human being and thus the fear of death ensued in full force. Because of this kind of thinking I would have nightmares of the devil coming to collect me. I had dreams of Jesus’ second coming and me having to stay behind to live for all eternity in hell on earth.
My first close encounter with death came when my father died and because he was an atheist I was horrified by the idea that he would be in purgatory and I would never see him again. I almost went completely insane and because of anti psychotic drugs I was prescribed instead of addressing the real issue it almost destroyed my life.
When my son died by suicide I completely lost control. His soul was never going to rest and he would be cast in darkness for eternity. That was the kind of thing people told me and it drove me absolutely insane. My beautiful son couldn't handle the pressure of life and became involved with drugs that I believe ultimately led to his death. Because I wasn't a good mother to him he took his own life and it was up to me to save his soul.
For months on end I didn't sleep but searched the internet frantically for anything that could help me with this. I became a crazed skeleton, not eating just trying to fight for my son’s soul. The thought of talking to anyone about this didn't even enter my mind. I wasn't going to end up in a mental asylum again. Thoughts of suicide ruled my life and I tried to join my son countless times. There were no rational thoughts in my mind, I had to die in order to help him or just make sure he wasn't going to be all alone in darkness.
I read extensively about near death experiences and finally found a website all about Buddhism. That saved my life and brought me back to my senses. I started meditating and realised that we are part of god and we all become one with our creator after death. There is no hell or purgatory and everything that happens to us in this life are lessons we need to learn to deepen our spirit.
Death is nothing to fear, all that happens is we go back to our soul’s origin and we are reunited with everyone who preceded us. I have no fear of death any longer and I don’t actively seek it either. When it is my time I will return to the All that is in All, our Creator, the Divine Force that is everything. I have absolute faith in my destiny.
Blessed Be and Namaste!