Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Do we have any say in the matter?


I have absolutely no idea how delusional I must have been signing up for this life as a mother. There are days I wonder what did God think entrusting me with children. For one I am a very unstable person and have suffered from depression for many years. It was only diagnosed after my youngest son was born. Secondly, I don’t think I have and will ever grow up. The children have always been more like friends to me than me being an authoritative parent.  If only there were an entrance exam into being a mother I would never have qualified and they would rather have being assigned to someone able and stable.

Is it that in our spiritual state we think that life on earth as a human being can’t be that difficult to fulfill  Or are we here in this body with certain personality traits to learn something to deepen our spirit and teach someone else a valuable lesson? What kind of lesson have I taught my sons? I will never know what I taught Emile, I made so many mistakes with him that I can’t even bear thinking about it. If his death by suicide is any indication of my mothering skills then I am a complete failure.

My youngest son never had much of a mother but at least he had a father who adored him. When my father died in 1996 I lost the plot completely and because of anti-psychotic medication prescribed by a psychiatrist my kids had a crazy dysfunctional time. While under the influence of the drugs I cut my wrists to the bone, killed myself in a car accident (an ambulance passed the scene of the accident and another motorist who saw it happen flagged them down and they were able to resuscitate me) and eventually I landed up in a mental institution.  Thank god that didn't last long before the resident psychiatrist realized I was not certifiably insane but only mourning the loss of my father.

What kind of a life did my sons lead with a mother controlled by depression and the insane desperate need to die? I wager the guess not a very hopeful and happy time for them. Is it any wonder my oldest son died by suicide? I think not. His mother was never a good example of normal conventional family life. Please don’t think I feel sorry for myself because I really don’t. The people I feel deep compassion and sadness for are my children and that is why I wonder what possessed me to volunteer for this life.

After I lost Emile my youngest son, Marco, took on the role of my support while I was steadily losing my mind. He was the one who held me and soothed me with comforting words when the unbearable pain threatened to destroy me. That is not the way it is supposed to be because not only did he lose his brother but indirectly his mother yet again. For years I was in no state to be anything more that the crazy wild depressed person looking for a way to join her dead son.

Two years ago his father died and the insane roller coaster ride started again. Thank god I am passed all that, but it took the hate and fear in his face to shock me into reality. Here he is with only me in his life and all I could think about was making him an orphan. The struggle to stay strong and be someone for him to depend on is a very difficult one but I have resolved to be that and nothing will avert me from it.
If we choose our family before we are born there must be some very strange obscure reason why they chose me to give birth to them and I just hope that things happened the way it was destined.

Marco told me not so long ago at least with me there is never a dull moment. I pray it is enough for him to know that even though we are not a conventional and normal family I love him with all my heart.

Blessed Be and Namaste!




14 comments:

  1. I am so thankful to you Miranda ,for sharing your pain with us.This thought is not at all justified that " some one undergoes a trauma to teach others what leads to suffering." I relate myself with you a lot as I too had undergone a little mental trauma ,but it can never match the degree of suffering you had undergone.You may not be aware of the fact ,but I can observe ,that you are now our guiding soul..You are leading us to better divine thoughts.Those thoughts that had appeared in your mind ,are being realized by us without undergoing any mental trauma.You are a guiding soul ,an angel ,a holy mother,atleast to me ,if not to every one.

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    1. Thank you for your beautiful words Debanjali.

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  2. They are VERY Blessed to have you as their mother

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  3. That was another place and another time. I'm glad you've moved on. Writing really is very good therapy for grieving. Keep writing.

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    1. Michael, it has been the only thing that helped me survive. Thank you for reading and commenting.

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  4. God puts us in situations that we can not solve, I'm sorry for the loss of your son and as a mother I am , I know how hard it must be for you to accept that loss, but God is helping give you another chance in life to leave forward so you can continue with your purpose in this world. Have a child who needs you, who loves you and you're the only thing in this life is so hard that they have to live, I'm sure you will succeed, you're not alone remember that God is always for all of us .. .. Congratulations on being a mom so special for that special child you have ...

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    1. I know that there is a purpose we are still here. Thank you.

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  5. Rea,I truly believe, as you do, that while we are in spirit form before arriving on earth, we choose our parents and the person we are and become while on earth. As mothers, we think there are so many things we could do differently; however, we do as we are meant to do. The lessons in our human form are unsurmountable, what matters is to learn from them and move forward to share with others, as you have done. You are an amazingly beautiful soul and human. You are exactly where you need to be, you help so many people daily with your blog. A day without hearing from you is less bright for me. I admire your realness, your transparency and the beauty which surrounds you. It is our soul's journey through darkness which leads us towards and into eternal, illuminating light, if we so choose. I'm grateful to have found you, your blog and to call you "friend". Eternal cyber hugs to you!

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    1. I am grateful to have you as my friend! Hugs and love for you.

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    2. Also for you! Thank you and Metta.

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  6. I'm also glad that you are their mother and that I have you as an aunt and them as my nephews! Love u!

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  7. Rea, one only has hope for the future. The anchor, a symbol of hope for the early Christians, can be a symbol for us, too. Thank you for sharing the power and profundity of your emotions.

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