Can we really prevent suicide?

Every year there is a worldwide Suicide Prevention Day. Can we ever prevent suicide? I really don't know. Statistics prove that someone who attempts suicide repeatedly eventually succeeds. Many who are serious about it don't give away any clues. I never realised my son Emile was in a place where he was planning his own death. Only after I lost him did I realise some of the things that pointed to it. At the time it didn’t seem significant I just thought he was growing up and taking responsibility for his life. 

Because I also believe we die on the day that was destined for us I don't know how a day of awareness can stop that from happening. I have worked hard over the years to spread awareness about it. People are still dying by their own hand and the statistics doesn’t show how many lives were saved because of creating awareness. In my opinion there should be awareness for the survivors of suicide or any kind of death for that matter.

In the event of losing a loved one you will know the unbearable road of grief you are facing. Suicide is particularly hard because you have all these questions you need answers to. As a parent you feel responsible for the death of a child by this means. We all feel we could have prevented it from happening. In retrospect there was nothing we could have done to save them. When someone decides to die they are secretive about it and you will only find evidence of their plans after they have gone.

Ask any parent who lost a child and most will tell you they had no idea this was going to happen. Even the ones whose children suffered from depression of any kind will tell you they never really believed their child would commit suicide. There can be many signs and you can fear for the life of them but in the end we are helpless to protect them against it. You also can't protect them from dying in a car accident, a terminal disease or being murdered.

We should create awareness of grief in the event of loss by suicide. Parents, partners and children should know what they will face if that unfortunate tragedy ever struck them. We should teach them about the utter pain, desolation, agony and a feeling of madness that you live every day for years to come. That deep void your loved one is going to leave in your life. It doesn't seem possible that it will happen to you but it does. And you are going to need all the support, love, strength and encouragement you can find.

People should be informed of how to support a friend or family member in the event of this happening. Don’t try to advise them on how to grieve, just be there and listen and give lots of hugs and love. Nothing in the world you can say will make it better for them. Just knowing they have someone to depend on when things get too much to handle will be help on its own.

Blessed Be and Namaste!

Missing children

One of the most horrific things for any parent to go through must be when your child goes missing without a trace. In the 80’s here in South Africa 5 young girls between the ages of 11 and 13 went missing within 2 years. No trace was ever found of them. There were extensive investigations and random places were dug up but nothing was ever found. When my son Emile died by suicide that was the only thing that kept me sane, the knowledge that he was safe. I can not imagine the horror of the parents of children who go missing every year. The despair they must feel and live with every day. The horrible questions that must plague their mind all the time; is my chid safe? Does he or she have a place to sleep and food to eat? Are they being molested and tortured? I am sure most of these parents go insane with worry and fear. I don’t think anyone can live with the not knowing. We have all read stories like this in newspapers and see it on television all the time. In some cases they are found and reunited with their parents and life can go on again in a fashion. At times when the pain of losing Emile is at its worst I just imagine him safe in heaven and that he will never suffer in any way again. I am asking all of you to pray for parents who have lost their children and still don’t know where they are. I have read accounts of parents who said they just wish the body could be found so that they can lay their child to rest and mourn him or her properly. I am sure there are parents who belong to Humanity Healing Network who find themselves in this situation. I am praying for you and asking angels to give you strength to carry on and not lose hope. Or if there is no more hope of finding your child alive that you will be able to bury your child and know they are now safe with our Creator. I am sending peaceful and positive thoughts across the world to parents whose children are lost. May God give you mercy and bring closure to your suffering. Blessed Be and Namaste.

How do I live with my son's suicide?

It was a lovely quiet Sunday morning, on 5 February 2006, when my life irrevocably changed in the blink of an eye. My husband and I were on our way to the shop when an emergency vehicle passed us with loud sirens and flashing lights. In my ignorance I said to my husband I wonder who died now. In the meantime the vehicle was on its way to the scene where my son Emile, 20, hanged himself during the Saturday night or early Sunday morning in a weeping willow tree in a park near our house. I will never forget those words I uttered. About a half an hour after we returned home children from the neighborhood called my youngest son to our gate. They informed him that a young man, who fit Emile’s description, committed suicide in the park. We quickly drove there. The area at the tree looked like a crime scene. Emergency and police vehicles and personnel were everywhere. The place where my son was lying was surrounded by police tape. I told the trauma officer I thought it could be my son. He led me to a body lying on the grass under the tree covered with an emergency blanket. I stood there looking at my son’s face in shock. It was like a dream, I could not believe my eyes. It couldn't be true. I kept asking my husband if I was dreaming, it couldn't be Emile lying there dead. Everything felt like a nightmare, the daylight was blinding and I heard a roaring noise in my head. The trauma officer spoke to us but I did not understand one word he was saying. We went home and I started phoning family and friends to tell them. Nobody believed me because I didn't cry and told them in a matter of fact way that Emile hanged himself. The only thing that went around and around in my mind was: “It can’t be, it can’t be, my son can’t be dead. This is all a nightmare and I’m going to wake up any minute.” On the Sunday evening I returned to my senses and realized it was true. I never understood the meaning of keening, but that night I keened for hours and the weeks following Emile’s death. It felt as if I was going insane. My thoughts were in disarray and I felt anxious the whole time. The next day we had to go to the mortuary to identify him. It was the most horrid experience I ever had to go through. I could not believe he was lying dead on that cold slab of cement. It didn't look like my beautiful son. My heart was torn into pieces and I felt like dying of a broken heart! Every day was a nightmare. A part of me died with my son on that fateful day and I couldn't function in a normal way. I stayed in bed for weeks and all I could do was cry my heart out. Every night I was on the Internet for hours searching desperately for somewhere, where I could share this unbearable pain I was feeling. I phoned radio pulpit every day and told my story to Christian therapists over and over in the hope that someone could make it better for me. There was nothing in South Africa apart from The Compassionate Friends who helped me tremendously. There is no help for the unbearable pain a parent experience after the suicide of a child. Nobody out there understands what you are going through. There is nothing anybody can do or say to make you feel better. For months I ate almost nothing and didn't cook or clean or did anything in the house. It felt as if I was all alone on earth. I couldn't imagine a future without Emile. I couldn't think properly or remember anything I did or said or what anybody else did or said. I didn't remember anything that happened to me, I was on autopilot the whole time. The worst thing was that Emile didn't leave a letter or anything to explain this to me. I searched everywhere like one possessed for anything that could explain why my son did this awful thing. I searched the area under the tree and in the tree for a clue. I scratched around in his clothes and searched every pocket and place for something to give me an idea why my son did this. The questions are still driving me insane. Why, what? What was wrong with my son I didn't see? Was I so selfish and self centered I never realized there was something wrong with Emile? I still blame myself that I didn't realize what was going on in his mind, what he was planning. What did I do wrong in his life, where did I fail as a parent?
I look at other parents with big sons and I can’t believe that Emile isn't here any more. I didn't just lose a son to suicide, but a friend. The sorrow and despair is indescribable, and if you don’t find yourself it that situation, you can never imagine what parents go through. Nobody understands this hell and they don’t know what to say to you. People in their ignorance say all kinds of stupid things to a parent in this situation. They say things like: “Your son committed suicide and that means his soul will never find rest, you have another child live for him now, you need to get over it now and carry on with your life”. And it does nothing to change the destruction in your mind it just adds to the pain and heartache. On more than one occasion I just wanted to scream out at them: “please just leave me alone, you have no idea what you are talking about. My son is dead and I don’t know why.” I was on a suicide mission of my own for months and landed in hospital after I tried to overdose with tranquilizers.
Nobody can come through this pain without any help. It is an emotional roller coaster ride and you never know how you are going to feel in the next moment. One minute you are in this deep dark hole of despair, and the next you feel so angry that this abominable thing could have happened to you. Then there are days when you feel quite calm. On other days all you can do is cry uncontrollably and feel as if you will never ever be normal again. My perception of life changed completely, and things that were important in the past don’t mean anything any more.
This tragedy made me spiritually deeper and I have learned that we live only once and to make every day count. Love your family with all your heart because we don't know what is going to happen to them tomorrow.