Don't you ever give up hope!

“His eyes were sunken like an old man’s eyes, a maggot crawled on his bottom lip and a roaring insane scream escaped my lips. This zombie like dead creature wasn't my beautiful son, there had to be a mistake. This nightmare wasn't going to end and I was slowly losing my mind because my son could not have hanged himself in a weeping willow tree, I couldn't bear the thought of that.”

For years I tried to get that image out of my mind, nothing I did could erase it from my memory. Suicide is considered murder in South Africa and that meant my son Emile’s body wasn't treated with dignity and respect and he started decomposing by the time we had his service. No matter what that inconsiderate action would do to me. I donated his organs and his eyes weren't replaced with prosthesis leaving him looking like a monster. The horrifying and mutilated person didn’t resemble my beautiful son.

When you reach that place when life doesn't seem worth living anymore and suicide feels like the only option left please think about what you are going to do to the people who love you more than you can ever realise. They are not going to be better off without you, in fact you are going to destroy not only the ones you want to punish but the innocent ones as well. No problem you are struggling with is worth taking your precious life over. You are so much more than that.

The moment you have taken that last fateful step of suicide, there is no turning back, there is no rewind button and you can't erase what you have done because death is permanent. A permanent solution to a temporary problem that will leave destruction and agony in its wake for the ones who love you more than you could ever imagine. Some problems only feels as if it will last forever when in fact it is only a fleeting part of your life. When I saw my son dead that morning I felt helpless because there was nothing I could do to save him. Death is the most final thing that can’t be rectified or changed. It truly is the end.

My son Emile felt that the demons plaguing him was too much to bear and on a lovely summer morning in February of 2006 we were called to the park where he hanged himself in a weeping willow tree the previous night. Not only did he take his own life but a huge part of mine as well. The anguish and hell I lived from then on almost destroyed me and for the longest time my sanity were slipping and it hanged precariously over a gaping cliff. I hated and loved him in equal measure and I struggled with a myriad of emotions all in one day. The whole situation was incomprehensible to me, it couldn't have happened, my son couldn't be dead. I soothed his pain while he was growing up, he was not only my son but my best friend. I felt that I completely failed him and I wasn't worthy to have been his mother.

I am not judging anyone for feeling desolate and contemplating suicide because I have been there countless times without thinking about the effect it will have on my family. Anything that happens in our lives never lasts forever even unbearable pain and suffering come to an end. Right after Emile took his own life he got a fantastic job offer but it was too late and he was gone forever. Everything started happening the way he wanted it but he couldn’t wait just a little longer.

I was lost in absolute madness with grief and I don't wish that state of existing for even my worst enemy. Families are torn apart because everyone feels guilt and regret about their relationship with the person who left in this way. Not only do they blame themselves but each other and most families can’t survive it.

You are wonderful and uniquely made and you deserve an amazing life and if you can hold on for a while longer and brave the storms of your life, you will be so happy you did. You are a warrior, a soldier and I implore you to take up your sword and fight your demons. There is no struggle in life that you can’t overcome because you mean the word to countless people. You are stronger than you can imagine my beautiful friend. Every person, including you are an important piece of the puzzle we call life. If you take your own life you remove an intricate and vital part of the meaning of life. Please don't give up and give in to the hateful siren that is suicide. Don't let it lure you into thinking it is the best thing to do, suicide is a vicious liar and will steal away your life with that last step into madness.

How to heal a broken heart...

 There are no easy ways to heal a broken heart but there are steps we all have to go through to heal. When we experience loss, whether it the loss of a loved one, a job, our health, a friendship or a relationship the feelings we have are so overwhelming to us that we feel we will never heal again. We have to keep in mind that this feeling of pain is not going to last forever.

There is a myriad of emotions we experience after a loss. We may feel shock and disbelief and after that anger at the person who left you or the boss who fired you from your job or at God for the illness you have or the death of a loved one. We go though things like bargaining with God or the person you lost, to intense anger, helplessness and hopelessness, depression and finally acceptance.

The road to healing is a long one and it is an emotional roller coaster ride. We can waver between bouts of weeping, laughter and faith. These feelings come and go and have no order to it. We must let ourselves go though this and accept the emotions, it is part of the healing process. We should give ourselves time and take care of ourselves like you would a friend going through something like this. There is no timeline to grief of any form. It all depends on the kind of relationship you had with the person you lost, if you will find a job again or if you will be healed from your illness. We all experience emotions in a different way. Where someone might be very emotional and open about it, some will act strong and hide their pain away. One of the best medicines for a broken heart is crying. Tears cleanse the soul.

When a loved one dies there is this huge void left by their parting. We grieve not only for them but the future we had with them. The loss of a parent is the love and safety that is lost. The death of a child is part of your life gone. The death of a spouse is the other half that is lost. Every loss through death has its own different compartments you mourn. Death is one of the deepest and most final losses we can experience and it takes longer to heal.

A divorce is one of the most upsetting and painful transitions we can go through. The dream for the future you had, the person you confided in and with whom you shared your life is now all broken dreams. People who go through a divorce feel intense loneliness and depression. You can feel like a failure and that you don’t fit in anywhere any more.

When you lose a job it creates financial insecurity and worries about how you are going to manage to survive. You may also experience feelings of failure and hopelessness. Fear of the future is also a great factor in this situation.

Sudden illness can rob you of your normal life and life expectancy. It is very upsetting and painful not to be able to live like you used to. Many kinds of illnesses alter your life so much that you are incapacitated. Sometimes you need a complete adjustment to life in general and it creates a loss of self.

All these losses contribute to a broken heart and we need time and patience to work through the different emotions we experience. When you feel yourself going into deep depression you must seek professional help. Medication or therapy can help you come to terms with your situation. We have to take care of ourselves and not give up when our hearts are broken. Talk to a friend or someone you can trust about your pain and suffering. Not one of us is an island and we must try to reach out and ask for help. Many people feel too proud to admit to weakness but it is futile to think that way. We can’t overcome heartbreak alone.

I hope after reading this you can feel comfortable to reach out to others. If you need love and understanding and comfort we are here for you. Don’t feel alone and isolated, it is not true.

If anyone ever needs to talk please feel free to contact me.

Blessed Be and Namaste!

Don't let depression destroy your life

If you have suffered from depression you will know the helplessness and despair of living with it every day of your life. Real depression is not like the blues where you can pull yourself out of or “pull your self together”. It is a debilitating illness that can destroy your life as well as those around you. I have suffered from depression for 17 years which became acutely intense when I lost my son Emile. With the help of the right medication and therapy I am able to live a normal life again. Unfortunately when you have a chemical imbalance in your brain it takes time to find the right medication that will work with you. There are also all kinds of different depression a person can suffer from. I don’t have much knowledge about all of them only mine which is where the brain has an imbalance of serotonin.

A person who doesn't suffer from and have never suffered from depression has no idea what it is like to live with it. They think we can just make a decision and be over it. If only it was that easy. After my son Emile died I couldn't get out of my bed to do anything. There was no reason for me to live any more, or so I thought. Suicide was a calling siren that occupied my mind day and night. I was absolutely obsessed with death and wanted it to fetch me right away. You can’t explain this to anyone, they think you are insane or pitying yourself. For you at that moment it is reality and feels like the only way out of the unbearable pain and despair you are feeling. I tried to follow Emile on two occasions but it wasn't meant to be. I tried grief counseling, trauma therapy and talking to other depression sufferers.
Nothing seemed to help me. Then after a suicide attempt someone referred me to a psychologist that uses cognitive behavioral therapy to treat his patients. It teaches you to control your emotions and grief and not let it control you. When you are suffering from depression you are very emotional and when your mind starts running away with you, you feel completely helpless against its onslaught. We are the master of our minds not the other way around. However, we need to learn to control our minds, and it is not an easy task. With every thought we start a pattern that can lead to a loss of control and ultimately to a feeling of complete despair.
One thought of pain and unhappiness leads to another worse one and before you can stop it you are in the midst of darkness that feels completely encompassing with no way out. With that comes the feeling of madness as well. At one stage I thought I was losing my mind and with just a step in the wrong direction I was going to go insane and never be able to come back again. It truly felt as if I was hanging onto sanity by a thread. Your mind is very powerful if you let it be. It can make you feel utter despair, helpless, useless, of no account to life or those around you and that life has no meaning at all. Fortunately with the right therapy and medication it can be overcome and used to make life worth living again.
Meditation was another great tool that helped me see things in reality and not the way my mind was
distorting it. It helps to empty the mind of all thoughts and concentrate on something positive, like the love of God. It wasn't easy in the beginning because my thoughts seemed to have their own life. With lots of practice I used that on many occasions to center my thoughts on the positive and everything I still had to be thankful for and reasons to live. Life is a wonderful gift and we are here for a reason so don’t let your depression take the joy of life away from you. If you need to talk to someone please feel free to contact me, I know what you are suffering through. We are all in this together.
Blessed Be and Namaste!