“His eyes were sunken like an old man’s eyes, a maggot crawled on his bottom lip and a roaring insane scream escaped my lips. This zombie like dead creature wasn't my beautiful son, there had to be a mistake. This nightmare wasn't going to end and I was slowly losing my mind because my son could not have hanged himself in a weeping willow tree, I couldn't bear the thought of that.”
For years I tried to get that image out of my mind, nothing I did could erase it from my memory. Suicide is considered murder in South Africa and that meant my son Emile’s body wasn't treated with dignity and respect and he started decomposing by the time we had his service. No matter what that inconsiderate action would do to me. I donated his organs and his eyes weren't replaced with prosthesis leaving him looking like a monster. The horrifying and mutilated person didn’t resemble my beautiful son.
When you reach that place when life doesn't seem worth living anymore and suicide feels like the only option left please think about what you are going to do to the people who love you more than you can ever realise. They are not going to be better off without you, in fact you are going to destroy not only the ones you want to punish but the innocent ones as well. No problem you are struggling with is worth taking your precious life over. You are so much more than that.
The moment you have taken that last fateful step of suicide, there is no turning back, there is no rewind button and you can't erase what you have done because death is permanent. A permanent solution to a temporary problem that will leave destruction and agony in its wake for the ones who love you more than you could ever imagine. Some problems only feels as if it will last forever when in fact it is only a fleeting part of your life. When I saw my son dead that morning I felt helpless because there was nothing I could do to save him. Death is the most final thing that can’t be rectified or changed. It truly is the end.
My son Emile felt that the demons plaguing him was too much to bear and on a lovely summer morning in February of 2006 we were called to the park where he hanged himself in a weeping willow tree the previous night. Not only did he take his own life but a huge part of mine as well. The anguish and hell I lived from then on almost destroyed me and for the longest time my sanity were slipping and it hanged precariously over a gaping cliff. I hated and loved him in equal measure and I struggled with a myriad of emotions all in one day. The whole situation was incomprehensible to me, it couldn't have happened, my son couldn't be dead. I soothed his pain while he was growing up, he was not only my son but my best friend. I felt that I completely failed him and I wasn't worthy to have been his mother.
I am not judging anyone for feeling desolate and contemplating suicide because I have been there countless times without thinking about the effect it will have on my family. Anything that happens in our lives never lasts forever even unbearable pain and suffering come to an end. Right after Emile took his own life he got a fantastic job offer but it was too late and he was gone forever. Everything started happening the way he wanted it but he couldn’t wait just a little longer.
I was lost in absolute madness with grief and I don't wish that state of existing for even my worst enemy. Families are torn apart because everyone feels guilt and regret about their relationship with the person who left in this way. Not only do they blame themselves but each other and most families can’t survive it.
You are wonderful and uniquely made and you deserve an amazing life and if you can hold on for a while longer and brave the storms of your life, you will be so happy you did. You are a warrior, a soldier and I implore you to take up your sword and fight your demons. There is no struggle in life that you can’t overcome because you mean the word to countless people. You are stronger than you can imagine my beautiful friend. Every person, including you are an important piece of the puzzle we call life. If you take your own life you remove an intricate and vital part of the meaning of life. Please don't give up and give in to the hateful siren that is suicide. Don't let it lure you into thinking it is the best thing to do, suicide is a vicious liar and will steal away your life with that last step into madness.