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Sunday, December 8, 2013

I want to see feelingly...

In the documentary Earthlings Joaquin Phoenix narrated Shakespeare with these words: King Lear; “How do you see the world?” and Gloucester, who was blind answers: “I see it feelingly”. These words mean so much to me because if only we could see the world feelingly instead of from our own preconceived ideas.  If we could feel with our hearts the pain others feel when we look at them, this planet would become the most compassionate and loving place in the Universe.

No person will be able to hurt another person or innocent animals because they will feel their pain and suffering. It would be impossible to act without remorse if we could experience the pain we inflict. Empathy would become a way of life not just a word not many people don't even understand. 

Then we would care for others deeply and not experience selfish and conceited emotions about everything around us. I think when we die we become those words, we see feelingly. We sense with deep compassion and unconditional love for all creatures in the Universe. Earthly emotions like want, need, hate, jealousy, pride, pain and all the other human sensations fall away from us like the body we leave behind.

Can you imagine how powerful and overwhelming our consciousness is when we become aware of the only the goodness of it all? To be able to feel only adoration for the creation and all that it is, no negative, just holiness consuming your very being. At a funeral of a friend the pastor said that he envies the person lying in the casket for seeing all that he so much wishes to see. I had to agree with him. I wish to experience that too.

However, I think that one day the world will be given that opportunity to see feelingly and know that we are here for a reason and we should love everything and everyone with our whole being. Because like Kahlil Gibran so rightly says we are in the heart of God, and God is only Love.
Blessed Be and Namaste!

Thursday, December 5, 2013

I'll meet you in that field...

Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing,
there is a field. I'll meet you there.

When the soul lies down in that grass,
the world is too full to talk about.
Ideas, language, even the phrase "each other" doesn't make any sense.

We are so caught up in our preconceived ideas about what life is about that we lose sight of each other. Our differences make us act without compassion and love. Just because someone doesn't have your beliefs or think about life the way you do doesn't mean we can't love and accept each other unconditionally.

There is so much hate in this world because of religion, politics, race, sexual orientation and many more inane mindsets. People kill each other because of these things and they don’t give it a second thought. They feel validated and honorable for doing it. How absurd the human mind is in thinking this way.

We should put our differences aside and look at the person behind all the facades. The one who hurts the way we all do, who laughs at the same irony of life and who loves with the same intensity. There are so many similarities between all of us that we should rather embrace that and love each other for it.

Just be part of humanity and learn to feel compassion and love for all human beings. It can't be that difficult to accomplish. It doesn't matter who or what we are because we are born the same way and one day will die the same.

When death calls for you then you won't mind who sits beside you and hold your hand. At that instant you will see only the human kindness of someone who cares. Let us not wait for that day before we put aside all these things but do it now and love your fellow human being the way it was destined at the time of our creation. Let us all meet in that field.

Blessed Be and Namaste!

Monday, November 18, 2013

You say animals have no feelings??

How anyone can believe animals have no feelings is entirely beyond my understanding. They may not be able to speak but their actions speak louder than any words they can ever voice.

They express love in ways we can only dream of. Many cases have been reported where dolphins have protected human beings against shark attacks and saved from certain drowning. Scientists even call them non-human persons because of the compassion they display. People who suffer from post-traumatic stress have been known to benefit from spending time with these loving mammals.

Swans mate for life and when one dies the other will remain alone forever. How many humans can say this? With the divorce rate so high in the world we can learn the true meaning of the term till death do us part from our feathered friends.

Rhinoceros are believed to be the firefighters of the wild. When encountering a field fire they promptly stomp it out. These wonderful animals are hunted and murdered for their horns that is grounded up and used to treat erectile dysfunction. Men may as well chew on their own fingernails for the help it will do.

The majestic elephant never forgets anything that happens in its life. They will carry a grudge or remember a kindness done to them for ever. They are so trusting to humans that they won’t budge out of an enclosure even though they have the strength to break down any man made structure.

We see many things on the net about unlikely friends and animals taking care of other species. This is only one of them.

If after reading this you still think they don’t deserve our care and protection I have no hope left for you.

Blessed Be and Namaste all living creatures that populate our beautiful earth!!

Friday, November 15, 2013

If you are contemplating suicide please read this first...


Suicides are increasing and it makes me feel so heartbroken and helpless reading and hearing about it. Before you take that last fateful and irrevocable step please read this first. I lost my son to suicide a few years ago and it drowned me in the most desolate depair.  Many people suffer from depression, or they are just hurting so bad because of things that destroyed their lives, and never talk about it.

My son was very quiet for the last month of his life but I never presumed there was anything wrong with him. To see him lying dead under the tree was the biggest shock of my life. It left me insane with pain for years afterwards. When you consider suicide you don’t realise the destruction it is going to leave behind and your loved ones who will have to try and pick up the broken pieces that will never fit again. I am sure if he knew how his act was going to break me he would never have done it.

There are people in your life who loves you and their lives are going to be destroyed beyond repair if you take your own life. Don’t sit alone with your hurting heart and dream about suicide. It is not the answer to your problems. Go and talk to someone about your turmoil and suffering. There are organisations who are open 24 hours to be there for you and give you advice and help you through your struggles. Please I implore you, don’t take that step that will plunge your loved in utter despair.

Don’t worry about what people may say if you are depressed, you are not insane it is an illness, they don’t count when you are in need of serious help. Something that looks like the end of the road for you today, will look like nothing at all in a day or month’s time. If you feel suicide will be the only solution, first talk to someone about it. Talk to your family or a therapist, pastor, psychologist or other professional people who are equipped to handle this, but please think carefully before you do something that can never be taken back or repaired.  I hope this will give you food for thought, your life is worth more than you think.

"Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem."

Blessed Be and Namaste!

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

My love... Lost...

I loved you
Absolutely and completely
You owned all of me
I gave myself to you
My deepest love
My vulnerable trust
I belonged to you
My heart my soul my body
Only yours
You were all I thought about
Night and day
Under the full moon
You possessed me
In the bright rays of the sun
I followed you
But that was not enough for you
It was trampled over
Without a second thought.

Vengeance became
My sole purpose
My only wish
To destroy you
Murder your soul
Break you slowly
Till there was nothing left
Of the man I worshipped
I became to despise
The mere thought you
I needed to see you
Hurt more than
You ever imagined
Every word
Every action
Became calculated
You could never
Survive it
And for that…
I am deeply sad

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

The Liebster Blog Award

The Liebster Blog Award is a way for bloggers to highlight Blog's and Bloggers that have small followings but deserve acknowledgement for their hard work, excellence and contribution to the world of Blogging. I was honoured to be nominated by Francine Hirst and Sho Nique and others who I can’t remember now. Please forgive me my mind isn't always present.

Here are the nomination rules:
1. List eleven random facts about yourself.
2. Nominate eleven bloggers for the Liebster Blog Award.
3. Notify the bloggers.
4. Ask eleven questions the bloggers must answer upon receiving the award.
5. Answer the eleven questions you were asked when you were nominated.
6. Link back to the person who nominated you.

 My answers to the questions Francine Hirst asked.

Do your family members read the stories and/or poems you write?
My son who died was the only member of my family who read my stuff. He was my steadfast fan and I am sure he still is.

Where would you like to holiday next?
Jamaica is foremost on my list of must holiday. I want to visit Bob Marley’s grave and smoke a long joint on his amazing life.

Who is your hero? (real or fictional)
Without a doubt Kahlil Gibran. He was a philosopher in the 1800’s and his work inspires me to live every moment of my life with awe.

What’s the first thing you do in the morning (besides peeing)?
I drink a huge glass of water. To be honest I am crazy about water and I eat ice all the time. Sometimes I will have a cup of coffee but more than one makes me feel giddy.

What is your nickname (if you have one)?
My mom calls me Rienkie when she feels loving towards me. Other than that everyone calls me by my name.

Do you wash your own car?
Dear lord no!! If it becomes too dirty and people start looking at me funny I take it to the carwash.

What was the last movie you watched that made you laugh till you cried?
Up in Smoke with Cheech and Chong. They are absolutely hilarious.

Where do you get your inspiration from for writing?
Depression plays a huge part in my inspiration. The struggle through it and the triumphant overcoming of that deep darkness fills my mind with words that needs to be heard. This beautiful gift of life is the most profound inspiration.  

Do you watch the Olympic Games?
I enjoy watching gymnastics and unusual dangerous sport.

Does the title of a story or poem come to you straight away?
Initial words that pop in my head becomes a story on its own. Sleepless nights with words flying around in the dark becomes a story or a poem.

Do you smile and/or say hi to strangers you pass on the street?
I can’t help myself smiling at people and starting a conversation with anyone I encounter. I have met the most amazing people on the street. Most humans need love and understanding, no matter who they are or where they come from.

11 facts about me you may not know.

      I am terrified of the dark. However, when I worked as a studio photographer the complete darkness when printing colour photos didn’t make me feel anxious.
2   The sun, mints and pepper makes me sneeze uncontrollably.

      My father was 21 years older than my mother. They met when she was 14 and he was 36. Almost a kind of Lolita story. I always loved telling people this to see their reaction of disbelief.

4    I never had friends as a child and my mother hired little girls to play with me because I worried her. They always ended up going home and thankfully after a few tries she gave up. I preferred living in my own dream world than the company of others. To a degree this is still true.

5   I have precognitive dreams about things I have no way of knowing. I dreamed about my death in a car accident, my son’s suicide and my husband’s death. On several occasions I dreamed about situations in friend’s lives that actually happened without my prior knowledge.

    Speed is one of the things in life that makes me absolutely wild. The faster and more dangerous the better. It gives me a feeling of being completely alive.

7 A crazy jealous boyfriend I had when I was 17 turned a day at the races into a riot when he beat up a guy who came on to me. The whole thing became so insane that the police dumped teargas over the whole area to disperse the crowd.

    I learned to drive when I was 12 years old because my father believed we should all know our way around in a car on the small farms.

9  I was born with the umbilical cord wrapped twice around my neck and the midwife had a struggle to get me to breathe. Made me wonder if I was too scared to be born knowing everything that would happen to me in life.

    I have to finish everything on my plate at the same time.

1  My son died by suicide and that changed the course of my life path dramatically. It changed me from being a selfish person into someone with deep compassion for humanity.

11 questions for the bloggers I nominated.

11.    If reincarnation is true who do you think you were in a previous life?
22.   What do you fear most about life?
33.   If you could change your name what would it be and why?
44.   One secret about you nobody knows.
55.   If you could go back in time to change the course of life where would you go?
66.   Have you ever wanted to be the opposite sex for one day and what would you do if you could?
77.   Do you prefer water (ocean and lakes) or mountains?
88.   Have you ever stolen something and what was it?
99.   Would you tell a lie to pacify someone?
 10.   What makes you angry?
111.   One word you think describes you.

My list of nominees for this award.

Thank you Fran, this was fun and it took a million years to complete!

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Astronauts' spiritual accounts...

I think to travel in outer space and the earth looks like a little thumbprint you can't help but be in awe of our creation. I did a little digging on the internet to find out what astronauts think of God and life now that they had this opportunity to experience the vastness of the universe and what an impact it made on them. To be an astronaut you have to study science and most of us know scientist don't readily believe in God.

Russell Schweickart went to outer space in March of 1969. The word he used to describe the emotions I think is just so apt. “From where you see it, the thing is a whole, the earth is a whole, and it's so beautiful. You wish you could take a person in each hand, one from each side in the various conflicts, and say, "Look. Look at it from this perspective. Look at that. What's important?" If you have seen the magnitude of creation you can’t help but feel different about it. And you realize that on that small spot, that little blue and white thing, is everything that means anything to you - all love, tears, joy, games, all of it on that little spot out there that you can cover with your thumb.

And you realize from that perspective that you've changed, that there's something new there, that the relationship is no longer what it was. That's something new. And when you come back there's a difference in that world now. There's a difference in that relationship between you and that planet, and you and all those other forms of life on that planet, because you've had that kind of experience. It's a difference and it's so precious.

Archibald Macleish wrote that somehow things rather suddenly have changed, and we no longer see ourselves in the same way that we saw ourselves before. We see "the Earth now as it truly is, bright and blue and beautiful in that eternal silence where it floats," and "men and women as riders on the Earth together, on that bright loveliness in the eternal cold, brothers and sisters who know now that they are truly brothers and sisters."

Frank Borman was commander of the first space crew to travel beyond the Earth's orbit. Looking down on the earth from 250,000 miles away, Borman radioed back a message, quoting Genesis 1: "In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth." As he later explained, "I had an enormous feeling that there had to be a power greater than any of us—that there was a God, that there was indeed a beginning."
 James Irwin, who walked on the moon in 1971, later became an evangelical minister. He often described the lunar mission as a revelation. In his words, "I felt the power of God as I'd never felt it before." "The Earth reminded us of a Christmas tree ornament hanging in the blackness of space. As we got farther and farther away, it diminished in size. Finally, it shrank to the size of a marble, the most beautiful you can imagine, that beautiful, warm, living object looked so fragile, so delicate, that if you touched it with a finger it would crumble and fall apart … seeing this has to change a man." 
Astronaut Gene Cernan, who made the last moon landing in 1972, said he became a believer in the idea of a greater power after travelling to outer space. "I felt that the world was just too beautiful to have happened by accident. There has to be something bigger than you and bigger than me. "And I mean this in a spiritual sense, not a religious sense. There has to be a creator of the universe who stands above the religions that we ourselves create to govern our lives."
Alan Bean, the Apollo 12 moonwalker who later became a full-time painter, said the moon missions gave the astronauts the courage to live their lives the way they'd always wanted to live them. "I remember thinking in lunar orbit, that if I got back from this, I was going to live my life differently, in that I was going to try to live it like I want to live it, mostly it made me have a lot of courage to do what I wanted to do and be happy about it. That’s one thing that really allowed me to be an artist. I probably wouldn't have had the courage to be an artist. It doesn't change you, it reveals who you are," he said.
Edgar Mitchell said there was a vague feeling that something was different. That my life had gotten very disturbing, very distressing at a subconscious level. What I do remember is the awesome experience [on the trip back from the moon] of recognizing the universe was not simply random happenstance. That there was something more operating than just chance and in 1974 he said that he has assiduously spent the last fifteen years figuring out what was true."
Blessed Be and Namaste, we are fortunate to have this human experience and should make the absolute best of it!!

Monday, November 4, 2013

Children's rights!

There is always a lot of talk about children’s rights all over the world but does everyone really know the rights children have?

Every child has the right to a name and a nationality from birth.  They also have the right to family or parental care, or to appropriate alternative care when removed from the family environment.  How many children are not in unhealthy environments worse than their family home? Like foster homes where they only take the kids for an extra income. Or in places of safety that is not safe at all.

In the case of divorce children has the right to decide in whose care they want to be placed. They can't be forced to live with any parent if they don’t wish. They are also entitled to basic nutrition, shelter, health care services and social services. Be protected from maltreatment, neglect, abuse or degradation. We read every day about this kind of abuse against children and not many know they have rights that protect them.

They have freedom of speech, thought and choice to make their own decisions. This means the right to be given the opportunity to say what they feel and think. How many parents don’t allow children to speak their mind and force them to just accept anything that is said to them?

Children have the right to privacy, and not have that privacy impinged on by the whim of the parents or other adults. They can decide what religion or not they want to practise. We have no right to force our beliefs on them.

They cannot be used in armed conflict or any other situation where their lives are placed in danger. How many African countries don't use innocent children in wars?
Children have the right to be educated about sex and health issues concerning the practise of sex.

Corporal punishment is against the law and neither parents nor educators have the right to discipline them in this way.

In all these cases the child has the right to have a legal practitioner assigned to the child by the state, and at state expense, in civil proceedings affecting the child, if substantial injustice would otherwise result; and not be used directly in armed conflict, and to be protected in times of armed conflict.

These are just some of the rights children have, there are loads of other rights that I didn't write about here. It will take more than just one post to discuss more of it. These are just the basic rights of children and many people don't even know this.

Blessed Be and Namaste!

Sunday, November 3, 2013

The road to healing during grief.

Mourning the loss of a loved one is an intense and long process. Most people experience such intense emotional pain that they are convinced they will never heal. The length of grief and the intensity depend most on the kind of relationship you had with that person. Parents feel helpless and confused when a child dies and because of this disruption of the natural order of things, such as the child burying the parent, their lives feel as if it came to an abrupt end. If the loved one was living far and the relationship not very close the period of mourning will naturally be shorter and less painful. When the person died by suicide, murder or an accident instead of a prolonged illness, unresolved issues may cause deep disturbances. A feeling of things left unsaid and questions may arise to make the loss more difficult to work through. Many people feel cheated out of having the chance to say goodbye and it plays a big role in the length of mourning.

There are five main stages of mourning that most appear to experience while grieving. First there is denial when the shock is too much for the brain to accept. In this stage people may experience a sense of unreality and that the loved one will come home shortly. They may even wait by the phone or cancel engagements to be home for the return of their loved one. The second stage is anger at the situation and sometimes the deceased for leaving them all alone. Some people may be angry at God for allowing this senseless thing to happen to them. Bargaining is the next step in grief. The bereaved feel they can bargain with God or the loved one to return. A deep depression almost always follows and when it is very severe the person must seek professional help. The last stage is acceptance that the loss occurred and there is nothing to be done about it.

Grief is a long process and can’t be rushed and there is no timeline to it. There are things you can do to make it easier on yourself and those around you. One of the main things is not to suppress the pain and let your emotions out in the air. Tears cleanse the soul and it relieves some of the pain. There are people who can’t show emotion and needs a different outlet than crying and seeking help. Meditation is one of the most effective ways of coping with the pain as well as praying, walking, writing, exercise or drawing. Some people keep a journal of their journey and see how they progress through every stage. If you are not one to talk openly about your suffering a journal can be very helpful in getting your thoughts on your grief out and help towards healing. Letters to the deceased loved one can be of tremendous help as well. Many people have unsolved problems and things they would have liked to say to their loved one before the loss occurred. Try to talk about your grief as much as you can with a friend or someone you trust. Joining a support group or going for grief counselling is another great method to assist the bereaved. There are a lot of literature to inform people about grief and what to expect on your journey. Books about the afterlife may ease your mind if you have doubts or fears about where the person went to. There are many books available to educate you about suicide and what the state of mind of your loved one was in. Literature on Near Death Experiences will ease your mind greatly, because death isn’t an abomination, it is a natural part of life.

Keep in mind that the pain can become so unbearable that thoughts of insanity may enter your mind. Grief is the most agonising emotion for most people and you can feel that you are losing your mind when you experience depression and feelings of anxiety. All of these feelings are normal when grieving in an intense way. The different stages can cycle so rapidly that it feels like you are on an emotional rollercoaster ride. When you reach the stage that you can't handle it on your own it is best to see a psychologist or other medical professional to help you handle your emotions. To admit it is getting the better of you is not a sign of weakness. Remember that you must take care of yourself first and foremost. Try to take one day at a time or even just one moment at a time and not rush your healing, it must follow its natural course. 

Be kind to yourself and pamper yourself with long relaxing baths, massages, soft music, loving thoughts of the person you lost, rest and love. Try to remember the good things about your loved one and times spend together and not dwell on the way he or she died. In the midst of this despair you can’t see it now but the way you lost your loved one is of no consequence to you or what you did or didn’t do. Guilt can mar beautiful memories and make the grief journey more intense than it has to be. Nothing you could have done would have changed the outcome and if you can accept that you are on the road to recovery. We are not supernatural beings and we can’t stop someone from dying.

No major decisions like moving, divorce, changing of jobs or financial investments must be made for the time being. When in deep mourning your mind doesn't see things in reality and decisions like this can cause problems and regrets later that could have been avoided. You are not thinking rational and you may make mistakes that can't be reversed at a later date.

Some of the things that help you on your road to healing are to remember your loved one in special ways. At birthdays or other significant dates you can light a candle or release helium balloons or have a ritual or ceremony for the departed. When you don't have a grave to visit create a special place in your garden with plants, ornaments that they liked and other memorabilia and flowers. If you don't have access to a garden you can always have a corner in the house with photos and pieces of clothing and candles to make it special in remembrance. Some people scatter the ashes of their loved one in places that had a special meaning for them, but if you can't part with the ashes it is perfectly acceptable.

As time moves on we start experience days without any pain and tears and with that guilt returns. We may feel we are betraying our loved one if we feel times of happiness or the first laughter. This doesn't mean you are forgetting them, it only means you are coming to terms with your loss. You are not disloyal or giving up on them, you are merely getting healed. We will never forget the ones we have lost, we just start to live the new life their void has left behind. 

Blessed Be and Namaste!

Sunday, October 27, 2013

Writer's Challenge post

The pain surprised her, she had thought it would hurt less this time. Looking down, a tear fell from her cheek and disappeared into the pool of warm blood. She knew she would have to find somewhere to wash.

He used more force this time and the wound is bleeding bright red, flowing down her knees. How was she going to explain this one to her husband? The previous time she used the big root from the old sycamore tree as her excuse, tripping and falling and gashing her skin on the spade he left lying around. She still shudder to think how mortified he was, begging her forgiveness.

Oh god this can't go on, but she is addicted to him, drawn in by his insatiable hunger for meting out pain. Only she can fill his need and she gives it willingly, searing the tenderness of her soul to blackness. The darkness of his wishes make her catch her breath every time, her pulse quickening and her resolve fading away. She would do absolutely anything for him, her soul she has offered a long time ago.
She quickly dragged her pants back on and wiped the tears from her face swallowing a sob. There is no time to think about it now, she has to pick up the baby from her neighbour and finish her daily tasks. Later tonight she can lie on the old sofa on the patio and remember each touch and conjure up the euphoria of his hands all over her body. Relive the sharp blade slicing into her thigh, bringing her to climax as he held her close to him. Hot breath and sweat mingling with the animal lust so intensely stark. 

The car’s engine turns but it doesn't ignite. Over and over she turns the key and nothing happens! Oh god she can’t be stuck here in the middle of nowhere. What is she going to say she was doing there? Frantically she looks around her, there are no houses this far out of town. That is exactly why they chose this spot, she screamed every time they met. 

An old truck suddenly appears and stops behind her as she turns to look. A man gets out and comes towards her. Thank god someone is going to help her and nobody will be the wiser. “Engine trouble,” he smirks. There is a look in his eyes that makes her hair stand on end. She turns to run away but he grabs her by the hair and drags her down to the ground. “I have watched the two of you for quite some time and today is my turn with you,” he snarls. 

While she stares into the blue sky with resignation she knows today was the last day with her lover and this was not only the end of her love affair but the end of her life too. 

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Death is nothing to fear...

Most of my life I was absolutely terrified of death. The mere thought of it would send me into an intense anxiety attack. I grew up as a Christian and all I knew was that if I kept on sinning I would go to hell. Churches and priests drum that idea into your head from an early age. It became a constant struggle to me, to live a life without sin. Whoever in this world can attain that is beyond me.

I gave up trying to be a perfect human being and thus the fear of death ensued in full force. Because of this kind of thinking I would have nightmares of the devil coming to collect me. I had dreams of Jesus’ second coming and me having to stay behind to live for all eternity in hell on earth.

My first close encounter with death came when my father died and because he was an atheist I was horrified by the idea that he would be in purgatory and I would never see him again. I almost went completely insane and because of anti psychotic drugs I was prescribed instead of addressing the real issue it almost destroyed my life.

When my son died by suicide I completely lost control. His soul was never going to rest and he would be cast in darkness for eternity. That was the kind of thing people told me and it drove me absolutely insane. My beautiful son couldn't handle the pressure of life and became involved with drugs that I believe ultimately led to his death. Because I wasn't a good mother to him he took his own life and it was up to me to save his soul.

For months on end I didn't sleep but searched the internet frantically for anything that could help me with this.  I became a crazed skeleton, not eating just trying to fight for my son’s soul. The thought of talking to anyone about this didn't even enter my mind. I wasn't going to end up in a mental asylum again. Thoughts of suicide ruled my life and I tried to join my son countless times. There were no rational thoughts in my mind, I had to die in order to help him or just make sure he wasn't going to be all alone in darkness.

I read extensively about near death experiences and finally found a website all about Buddhism. That saved my life and brought me back to my senses. I started meditating and realised that we are part of god and we all become one with our creator after death. There is no hell or purgatory and everything that happens to us in this life are lessons we need to learn to deepen our spirit.

Death is nothing to fear, all that happens is we go back to our soul’s origin and we are reunited with everyone who preceded us. I have no fear of death any longer and I don’t actively seek it either. When it is my time I will return to the All that is in All, our Creator, the Divine Force that is everything. I have absolute faith in my destiny.

Blessed Be and Namaste!

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Damaged people are dangerous...

Damaged people are dangerous because they know how to survive.

This touches me deeply because I know that when you feel you have lost everything of value to you then nothing scares you anymore. There is nothing that can hurt you when the worst has happened to you already.

There is no tragedy that terrifies you because your heart has been broken into a thousand little pieces before and you have survived that. When you have treaded that fine line between life and death it holds no fear.

There is not one thing in life that worries you because you have been to hell and back and lived to tell the tale. Whatever happens to you now can’t be as despairing as the agony you have lived.

Feeling this way is dangerous because I fear absolutely nothing. A few months ago I was caught in a robbery in a mall. The robbers and security guards were shooting at each other a mere 20 feet away from me. The sound of the shots being fired gave me a fright but I didn’t feel scared at all.

The only thing I could think about was that maybe I would be reunited with my son. My heart was racing in excitement and I felt so alive. People were crying around me and I didn’t understand why. I was completely calm and I realized then that no tragedy in this life will ever touch me again.


Friday, October 4, 2013

Is this my life?

I don’t even know where to start. My life reads like a fictional thriller - I mean, if I had to read my story, I wouldn't believe so many things could happen to one person. These past two years have been the straw that broke the camel’s back and I have been so deep in the dark pit of despair that it became almost home to me. 

When I was five years old, I remember crying at my uncle’s wedding because I had thought he belonged to me - loved only me. Oh, yes, he sexually abused me. It only stopped when my mother caught him when I was ten years old.

My mom didn't help me, but instead made me feel guilty for the abuse. I grew up thinking I was a dirty little girl. My mom warned me that my dad would kill me if he found out, so I never told him. I loved my dad so much that I didn't want him to know my dirty secret. This brings back so many emotions that I wonder if I'm doing the right thing by telling the world about me. (I have forgiven my mother because we do things we think is the best in the situation.)

Like so many victims of child abuse, I fell in love with a man who beat me up, drank like a fish, and cheated on me at every opportunity he got. At the age of twenty-one, I left him while six months pregnant with my son. It broke my heart later when I lay in that hospital bed among the families and smiling fathers. That afternoon, a school bus drove into a lake and 42 children were killed. Was that tragedy a warning of the life my son would lead? I have no idea, but it is burned into my memory. I knew my son Emile would grow up without a father to guide and love him.

My father was my idol. I always hoped I would marry someone like him. When he died at the age of 77, I thought I was going to die of heartbreak. Our family doctor referred me to a psychiatrist when he couldn't help me through the grief I was immediately put on anti-psychotic drugs and lost four months of my life as I can’t remember a thing that happened to me. Maybe that's a good thing, though. In that time, I cut my wrists to the bone and almost bled to death. Also while floating around like a zombie under the influence of the drugs, I decided I didn't want my husband and told him to get himself a girlfriend. I then drove off an embankment with my car and almost died. Paramedics in an ambulance were on their way back to the hospital when the man who saw the accident happen flagged them down. Without him, nobody would have found me as you couldn't see the car from the road.

When they reached me, I didn't have a heartbeat and wasn't breathing, so they resuscitated me. Because I wasn't wearing a seat belt, I'd flown through the front window of the car and cut my face to ribbons, broke my arm, and a broke few of my ribs. The psychiatrist decided I wasn't responding to the medication and had me admitted to a mental asylum.
While I was there, they stopped the medication and I returned to my senses. I thought I'd been thrown in the pit of hell. It took four days to prove that I was sane before they would release me. I found out my husband had taken my advice and started an affair and that broke me even further.

After months of fighting, my husband eventually ended the affair and we tried having a normal family again. Not that it was very normal; in fact, it was very dysfunctional. I married him when my eldest son was two years old, and when our second son was born, he stopped being a father to my first son. That is where the trouble started for Emile. He felt rejected and began acting out by stealing things to make himself feel better.

His behaviour escalated until, at age thirteen, I put him in boarding school.
The what ifs and should haves have driven me insane for years. After building a petrol (gas) bomb with a friend and throwing it in a field, he was arrested and put into a juvenile facility. Everything went downhill from there. He started using drugs and got caught up with drug dealers. He was working, but retrenched in December 2005 and moved back in with us in January 2006.

On February 5th, 2006, my life was shattered when my son was found hanging in a weeping willow tree in a park near our home.
Hell does not even begin to describe what his suicide did to me. I struggled with self-hatred, guilt, regret, blame, intense unbearable pain and insanity for almost five years. I still can’t believe he took his own life and without a note explaining why. In my heart, I know he never felt accepted and loved and I feel so much guilt for not helping him, for not making his life a better one. It will haunt me forever.

On May 15 2011 my husband died of a massive heart attack in front of me before I could get him to the hospital. It sounds completely insane, but when I saw he was dead, I immediately thought, "I could have my son back."
My youngest son Marco and I haven't had a good relationship, but in the past two years since his father died that has changed for the better. His father spoiled him rotten - let him do and say all he wanted. Their relationship went down the drain when Marco grew up - they fought almost every day for two years. My husband once told me that he didn't like boys, which was why he couldn't have a good relationship with them. I regret ruining my children’s lives by staying with him.

Our marriage had been a sham for years - my love for him died ages ago. He was jealous, demanding, controlling and unfaithful. Now that he's dead, I feel free. I know I should have left him years ago, but life was too comfortable. Still, I hate him for dying on me, leaving me here all alone to sort out my life after the damage he's done to both my sons. It's an irrational emotion, I know, but I can’t seem to help myself.

I feel like my life has made me insane. I don’t know if I will ever be a normal woman again. I try very hard to believe that things happen for a reason and look at the positive side of all of this, but the Lord knows I don’t know if life will ever be something to treasure. 
Since then my life has changed and I feel that a new door has opened in my life that can only lead to exciting and wonderful things. If I can survive all of this then you can too...

Namaste my fellow travellers!