Do we have any say in the matter?

I have absolutely no idea how delusional I must have been signing up for this life as a mother. There are days I wonder what did God think entrusting me with children. For one I am a very unstable person and have suffered from depression for many years. It was only diagnosed after my youngest son was born. Secondly, I don’t think I have and will ever grow up. The children have always been more like friends to me than me being an authoritative parent.  If only there were an entrance exam into being a mother I would never have qualified and they would rather have being assigned to someone able and stable.

Is it that in our spiritual state we think that life on earth as a human being can’t be that difficult to fulfill  Or are we here in this body with certain personality traits to learn something to deepen our spirit and teach someone else a valuable lesson? What kind of lesson have I taught my sons? I will never know what I taught Emile, I made so many mistakes with him that I can’t even bear thinking about it. If his death by suicide is any indication of my mothering skills then I am a complete failure.

My youngest son never had much of a mother but at least he had a father who adored him. When my father died in 1996 I lost the plot completely and because of anti-psychotic medication prescribed by a psychiatrist my kids had a crazy dysfunctional time. While under the influence of the drugs I cut my wrists to the bone, killed myself in a car accident (an ambulance passed the scene of the accident and another motorist who saw it happen flagged them down and they were able to resuscitate me) and eventually I landed up in a mental institution.  Thank god that didn't last long before the resident psychiatrist realized I was not certifiably insane but only mourning the loss of my father.

What kind of a life did my sons lead with a mother controlled by depression and the insane desperate need to die? I wager the guess not a very hopeful and happy time for them. Is it any wonder my oldest son died by suicide? I think not. His mother was never a good example of normal conventional family life. Please don’t think I feel sorry for myself because I really don’t. The people I feel deep compassion and sadness for are my children and that is why I wonder what possessed me to volunteer for this life.

After I lost Emile my youngest son, Marco, took on the role of my support while I was steadily losing my mind. He was the one who held me and soothed me with comforting words when the unbearable pain threatened to destroy me. That is not the way it is supposed to be because not only did he lose his brother but indirectly his mother yet again. For years I was in no state to be anything more that the crazy wild depressed person looking for a way to join her dead son.

Two years ago his father died and the insane roller coaster ride started again. Thank god I am passed all that, but it took the hate and fear in his face to shock me into reality. Here he is with only me in his life and all I could think about was making him an orphan. The struggle to stay strong and be someone for him to depend on is a very difficult one but I have resolved to be that and nothing will avert me from it.

If we choose our family before we are born there must be some very strange obscure reason why they chose me to give birth to them and I just hope that things happened the way it was destined.

Marco told me not so long ago at least with me there is never a dull moment. I pray it is enough for him to know that even though we are not a conventional and normal family I love him with all my heart.

Blessed Be and Namaste!

Be still, and know, He is God

Be still, and Know, I am God… this is the most profound text for me in the Bible. How hard it is to be still and know He is God, when your heart is broken and you feel hopeless and alone. The agonizing pain after the death of my son Emile almost drove me insane. I felt like running down the street screaming, ripping off my clothes and tearing out my hair. Every time that text would come back to me, be still, and know, I am God. If we can heed that advice and just be still and feel Him with us and holding us, we will be more able to overcome tragedies in our lives. Questions and what ifs and should have’s would run through my thoughts and my heart would feel ripped open by unseen claws. The guilt I felt for not seeing that there was something wrong with Emile made me want to hide away or bury myself under rocks. If only I spoke to him and asked him what was plaguing his mind, but I never did. I had to become still and know, He is God. With crazy thoughts running through your mind and feelings of self-blame, guilt and regret assaulting your senses it is the hardest thing to do. I prayed for months and begged God to take the unbearable pain away from me. Not until I heeded that text did my mind come to a rest. The pain didn’t leave me instantaneously but I was able to breathe for times in the knowledge it too will end. When you are in the midst of heartache all you can see is that pain and all that went wrong in your life, you don’t feel like being still. We ask continuously, what we did wrong to deserve this. Why does this have to happen to me? Instead try to still your mind and know He is God. Everything happens for a reason and it will be revealed to us in time, if we choose to see it for what it is. It doesn’t help us in our situation to blame ourselves or others for our problems and heartache. It doesn’t help to play those images over and over in your mind’s eye. It robs you of the peace you are so deserving of. When you feel the pain of your situation overcome you, be still, and know, He is God. Give it all over to Him and let it go, it is not yours to hold close and cuddle. It will just hurt you more so when you feed it all the time. Give all your pain to Him and know, he will take it away if you let Him. He will soothe your aching soul and fill you with acceptance and clarity of mind. Instead of all the negative hurtful feelings and thoughts meditate on the love, peace and light that are awaiting you. Blessed Be and Namaste.

Life is like a tree

I was lying under a tree one day and was looking up at the branches running from the main trunk and realized that our lives are just like trees. The bottom part is our birth and our lives growing up with our parents. Then we have choices in live we can make and different paths to take, just like the branches in a tree. Every branch leads to its own shape and different little branches and leaves. Sometimes one of the branches dies and starts growing again from one of the smaller branches.
We die a little on this road called life with pain and suffering we live through and tragedies that befall us. Each branch represents a different road we choose to take and that leads to different situations we will find ourselves in life. Some choices lead to a longer life and others to a shorter life. We can’t blame anyone for the things we choose to do or paths we choose to take. When you leave your parent’s home your life is in your own hands.
We become responsible for what happens in our lives and anything that goes wrong can’t be blamed on others or situations that shaped our lives. We make our own mistakes and we have free will to choose to do the right or wrong thing. Like the branches in a tree, life comes to an end at some time or another and one day we will have to account for our actions and mistakes. We can’t call on anyone to be a witness to our lives or blame others for our trespasses.
 Nobody can force us to take drugs or kill an innocent person or any other kind of wrong action we decided upon. It will then just be between us and God. When others have been hateful to you and it made you a bitter person, they won’t be punished for it. When things go wrong in our lives it is the way we react to it and use it to become better human beings that count. Bitterness and hate will not make you a better person and it will definitely not make you feel peace and joy. Each of us is responsible for our own lives and what we become because of our experiences.
Blessed Be and Namaste!!

Our children, Our all

We carried our children for nine months and gave birth to them and took care of them most their lives. When they fell down and scraped a knee we were there to kiss it better and wipe off their tears. When someone was hateful to them we would tell them they are wonderful and beautiful. If they didn't succeed in something we told them it didn't matter and we love them. It doesn't stop when they grow up and start leading their own lives. With adulthood comes other problems and we are still there for them. How it breaks a mother's heart to see her child taking drugs and destroying their lives. What immeasurable pain it is to see your child in a prison cell convicted of murder or something else. It doesn't matter how our children's lives turn out to be we will always be their mothers and love them. It makes no difference if they become successful and live a good life or if they fail and take the wrong paths, we love them unconditionally. And we will always love them. When you see a young man in shackles led to a prison there is a mother somewhere who is crying for him. When you see a young man begging on the streets there is a mother somewhere who worries about him. If you see young girls on the streets selling their bodies for drugs, they have a mother who wants what is best for them. I know this is not always true for all children but I bet it is for most. We do the best we can to make our children's lives good for them to the best of our abilities. It hurts so much to see your beautiful child suffer mental illness and there is nothing you can do to help him or her or take it away. You ache so deeply when your child suffers from depression and they feel unworthy of life. When your child becomes involved with bad things you wish you can take them away from it and make them see what they are doing to themselves. We lie awake at night wondering if our kids are safe and if they will come home. The worst thing for a mother is to let go of her child when they reach the age to become independent. No matter how old your child is they are you precious jewel. We stand by helpless and see them stumbling and making the wrong choices in their lives when all we want to do is take them in our arms and tell them we love them. Every mother will understand what I am writing here. We just want the best for our kids and we will go to any lengths to make that true. All mothers make mistakes and the wrong choices but our intentions are good. When you hold that innocent little baby in your arms you just want the world to be good and wonderful for him or her. Unfortunately it doesn't always work out that way and our hearts break for them over and over. For all mothers suffering out there in the world, I salute you! WE stand united against the world for our kids!!
Blessed Be and Namaste.