Do we have any say in the matter?

I have absolutely no idea how delusional I must have been signing up for this life as a mother. There are days I wonder what did God think entrusting me with children. For one I am a very unstable person and have suffered from depression for many years. It was only diagnosed after my youngest son was born. Secondly, I don’t think I have and will ever grow up. The children have always been more like friends to me than me being an authoritative parent.  If only there were an entrance exam into being a mother I would never have qualified and they would rather have being assigned to someone able and stable.

Is it that in our spiritual state we think that life on earth as a human being can’t be that difficult to fulfill  Or are we here in this body with certain personality traits to learn something to deepen our spirit and teach someone else a valuable lesson? What kind of lesson have I taught my sons? I will never know what I taught Emile, I made so many mistakes with him that I can’t even bear thinking about it. If his death by suicide is any indication of my mothering skills then I am a complete failure.

My youngest son never had much of a mother but at least he had a father who adored him. When my father died in 1996 I lost the plot completely and because of anti-psychotic medication prescribed by a psychiatrist my kids had a crazy dysfunctional time. While under the influence of the drugs I cut my wrists to the bone, killed myself in a car accident (an ambulance passed the scene of the accident and another motorist who saw it happen flagged them down and they were able to resuscitate me) and eventually I landed up in a mental institution.  Thank god that didn't last long before the resident psychiatrist realized I was not certifiably insane but only mourning the loss of my father.

What kind of a life did my sons lead with a mother controlled by depression and the insane desperate need to die? I wager the guess not a very hopeful and happy time for them. Is it any wonder my oldest son died by suicide? I think not. His mother was never a good example of normal conventional family life. Please don’t think I feel sorry for myself because I really don’t. The people I feel deep compassion and sadness for are my children and that is why I wonder what possessed me to volunteer for this life.

After I lost Emile my youngest son, Marco, took on the role of my support while I was steadily losing my mind. He was the one who held me and soothed me with comforting words when the unbearable pain threatened to destroy me. That is not the way it is supposed to be because not only did he lose his brother but indirectly his mother yet again. For years I was in no state to be anything more that the crazy wild depressed person looking for a way to join her dead son.

Two years ago his father died and the insane roller coaster ride started again. Thank god I am passed all that, but it took the hate and fear in his face to shock me into reality. Here he is with only me in his life and all I could think about was making him an orphan. The struggle to stay strong and be someone for him to depend on is a very difficult one but I have resolved to be that and nothing will avert me from it.

If we choose our family before we are born there must be some very strange obscure reason why they chose me to give birth to them and I just hope that things happened the way it was destined.

Marco told me not so long ago at least with me there is never a dull moment. I pray it is enough for him to know that even though we are not a conventional and normal family I love him with all my heart.

Blessed Be and Namaste!

Missing children

One of the most horrific things for any parent to go through must be when your child goes missing without a trace. In the 80’s here in South Africa 5 young girls between the ages of 11 and 13 went missing within 2 years. No trace was ever found of them. There were extensive investigations and random places were dug up but nothing was ever found. When my son Emile died by suicide that was the only thing that kept me sane, the knowledge that he was safe. I can not imagine the horror of the parents of children who go missing every year. The despair they must feel and live with every day. The horrible questions that must plague their mind all the time; is my chid safe? Does he or she have a place to sleep and food to eat? Are they being molested and tortured? I am sure most of these parents go insane with worry and fear. I don’t think anyone can live with the not knowing. We have all read stories like this in newspapers and see it on television all the time. In some cases they are found and reunited with their parents and life can go on again in a fashion. At times when the pain of losing Emile is at its worst I just imagine him safe in heaven and that he will never suffer in any way again. I am asking all of you to pray for parents who have lost their children and still don’t know where they are. I have read accounts of parents who said they just wish the body could be found so that they can lay their child to rest and mourn him or her properly. I am sure there are parents who belong to Humanity Healing Network who find themselves in this situation. I am praying for you and asking angels to give you strength to carry on and not lose hope. Or if there is no more hope of finding your child alive that you will be able to bury your child and know they are now safe with our Creator. I am sending peaceful and positive thoughts across the world to parents whose children are lost. May God give you mercy and bring closure to your suffering. Blessed Be and Namaste.

Our children, Our all

We carried our children for nine months and gave birth to them and took care of them most their lives. When they fell down and scraped a knee we were there to kiss it better and wipe off their tears. When someone was hateful to them we would tell them they are wonderful and beautiful. If they didn't succeed in something we told them it didn't matter and we love them. It doesn't stop when they grow up and start leading their own lives. With adulthood comes other problems and we are still there for them. How it breaks a mother's heart to see her child taking drugs and destroying their lives. What immeasurable pain it is to see your child in a prison cell convicted of murder or something else. It doesn't matter how our children's lives turn out to be we will always be their mothers and love them. It makes no difference if they become successful and live a good life or if they fail and take the wrong paths, we love them unconditionally. And we will always love them. When you see a young man in shackles led to a prison there is a mother somewhere who is crying for him. When you see a young man begging on the streets there is a mother somewhere who worries about him. If you see young girls on the streets selling their bodies for drugs, they have a mother who wants what is best for them. I know this is not always true for all children but I bet it is for most. We do the best we can to make our children's lives good for them to the best of our abilities. It hurts so much to see your beautiful child suffer mental illness and there is nothing you can do to help him or her or take it away. You ache so deeply when your child suffers from depression and they feel unworthy of life. When your child becomes involved with bad things you wish you can take them away from it and make them see what they are doing to themselves. We lie awake at night wondering if our kids are safe and if they will come home. The worst thing for a mother is to let go of her child when they reach the age to become independent. No matter how old your child is they are you precious jewel. We stand by helpless and see them stumbling and making the wrong choices in their lives when all we want to do is take them in our arms and tell them we love them. Every mother will understand what I am writing here. We just want the best for our kids and we will go to any lengths to make that true. All mothers make mistakes and the wrong choices but our intentions are good. When you hold that innocent little baby in your arms you just want the world to be good and wonderful for him or her. Unfortunately it doesn't always work out that way and our hearts break for them over and over. For all mothers suffering out there in the world, I salute you! WE stand united against the world for our kids!!
Blessed Be and Namaste.