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Thursday, August 22, 2013

The loss for words in the face of naked pain.


How can anyone ever understand how it feels to lose a child? Not in their wildest dreams can they identify with you. Before I lost my son Emile, I had no idea what parents went through when they lost a child. I try to put myself in their place and this is what I think it feels for them to look at us.
We are their worst fear personified. They feel helpless in the face of your pain. To look at such naked grief touches parts of their hearts they don’t want to know. It must be like looking at someone dying and them begging to help. Have you died before? Do you know the feelings and thoughts that person is struggling with? No, we don’t, and that is exactly why we can’t be angry at people for saying the wrong things to us. They have no clue of your unbearable pain and it will be unfair to expect them to know it. Just like you don’t know how to help someone dying, so can’t you demand understanding from someone who hasn't lost a child.
I am testament to what they dread in life. To have death come for a child untimely is the worst thing to imagine. They have no words to comfort you so they say the first things that come up in their minds. It is not because they are callous or hard and cold to your grief. They just don’t Know what you are suffering. You are their nightmares come to life right in front of their eyes.
If you haven’t walked in another’s shoes you have not felt their pain. Just like I have no idea what it must feel like to be in an armed robbery with a gun to my head, they also don’t know.  We want them to say the right things, but do you even know what the right thing to say is? I can’t tell you what I wanted people to say, because there is nothing to say.
Forgive them if they say things that hurt you, forgive them if they don’t have the answers for you. They are only human and trying to be of comfort, just like you would have done had you not been in this situation. Forgive their lack of knowledge, and pray they never learn it. When they turn away from you, it is not because they don’t care, it is because they fear the unbearable pain in your eyes.
Blessed Be and Namaste!!